||[Feb. 14th, 2011|09:20 pm]
I received a phone call yesterday I never imagined in my wildest dreams receiving.|
I knew there was bad news and I expected something shitty. I braced myself a little.
I knew there was trouble, but I didn't know what. Nothing had prepared me for what
I was about to hear. Nothing had prepared me for the blow I was about to receive.
I had so little warning and so little time to get ready to hear that you were no
more. I was beside myself, I was outside of myself. I was not myself; I felt
everything and nothing all at once, but most of all I knew that it was true because
the voice on the other end of the phone is a voice that would never lie to me.
At once I wished I could call her a liar and doubt her. But I knew it was true,
and I knew you were gone.
The worst thing is not just that I will never have had a chance to say goodbye to you.
One of the many terrible things is that I never had quite the opportunity to really
let you know how amazing you were. Sure, I tried to tell you. Dozens of times. Your
writing, your words. Your wisdom, candor, wit; your presence. Your fluidity, your
truth, your passion and love. I can't sit here and lie to the world and say that
I loved you more than anyone ever loved you. I didn't. There were plenty who came
before and after I, plenty of people who adored you, gazed after you, engaged you,
protected you, a man who put a ring on your finger and wanted to shelter you from
yourself and the perils that leapt from, constantly, unwittingly.
If I could go back in time I would say a million more things to you and it would never
do justice to you. No, I didn't love you the strongest or the most, I didn't stand
by you the longest and I never saw you transition from girl to woman, but when I met
you you were a beautiful person and certainly one who could never deserve to lay down
and die at the hand of evil.
I hate that for yet another time, I feel like I don't know myself because I'm struggling with feeling what I'm feeling today. I'm smeary and weary and I know that today was a better day than yesterday, because yesterday I felt like someone stuck their fingers inside of the microscopic little holes in my being that nobody can see and tore each one of them open, gaping and ugly for the world to look at.
So many nights we laughed our heads off, gibbered nonsense at one another, spoke in
a language that maybe only Sophie or Kelly or Kellie or Glenn or someone close by might
venture to decipher and understand. But I just don't know anymore. And tonight, all I
can say is that I know I loved the person that you are and were, and I don't know where
you are right now except not here on this Earth with us.
You are gone, so far gone from us, but never forgotten.